The Covid-19 crisis has certainly made many of us sit up and re-evaluate our true priorities in recent times. If nothing else, the lightning fire spread of this insidious and determined disease has made us realise just how shallow and fragile our monetary values really are. Overnight the global economy (especially the much vaulted EU) has collapsed like a house of cards and we are all scrambling to secure the true riches of food, family and comfortable shelter during self isolation.
I would love to know what exactly is the driving force behind the global toilet paper obsession. Maybe it stems from an underlying psychological fear that people don’t want to be left in even deeper crap than what they are in already. I am especially amused by the individual on recent news bulletins who stole hundreds of toilet paper rolls, probably with two objects in mind; one, he was not going to be caught with his pants down with nothing to fall back on, and two, he would make a black market killing. I can see it now – advertised on e-bay or Amazon, packs of eight premium extra long three ply rolls, ten bucks a roll! Either way you choose to look at it, this is one chap determined to make a clean wipe of things. Perhaps this is the new drug of choice in our rapidly changing world, destined to eclipse the like of P and cocaine. I want to know how Afghan poppy farmers and South American drug barons will cope with this earth shaking business transition i.e. how they are going to get on harvesting/producing the stuff and smuggling it across international borders unseen. I suppose there is no way they can conceal rolls stuffed up one’s backside – you may argue this is where loo paper belongs, but the average anus can only accommodate so much, after all. Apart from that, the average walk of the would be smugglers would be a dead give away to even the most casual official observer.
Another point to consider – we’d have to retrain all the sniffer dogs. Poor creatures, their noses are attuned to somewhat more refined chemicals after all, and now they have to go back to everyday ordure. Does this mean in the future at Customs we will all have furry muzzles shoved into our unmentionables or produce samples upon request by Customs officers? Can you imagine customs officers dissecting these (mostly used) loo paper samples in the lab to see which are legal and which are not? Can you imagine the declaration question on the arrival cards e.g. “Any non government approved hygiene products?” And does the black market in hygiene products extend to items in the feminine and incontinence realms as well? Companies such as Stayfree and Tena, be alert!
So how on earth did our ancestors cope? Over thousands of years, before finely scented, soft ply (often decorated) rolls hanging in pristine perfection in sterilised toilet cubicles around the world. humanity has had to make do with items such as banana leaves, bits of old cloth and sacking, and sheets of old newspaper hung by a nail onto the outhouse wall. And there were no infusions of aloe vera, eucalyptus or jojoba in sight. With all this in mind, I am certainly eyeing the flax cuttings from the garden in a new light. Hmmm. Biodegradable, non polluting and certainly green…every eco warrior’s dream!
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