Party Poopers – literally

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The Covid-19 crisis has certainly made many of us sit up and re-evaluate our true priorities in recent times. If nothing else, the lightning fire spread of this insidious and determined disease has made us realise just how shallow and fragile our monetary values really are. Overnight the global economy (especially the much vaulted EU) has collapsed like a house of cards and we are all scrambling to secure the true riches of food, family and comfortable shelter during self isolation.

I would love to know what exactly is the driving force behind the global toilet paper obsession. Maybe it stems from an underlying psychological fear that people don’t want to be left in even deeper crap than what they are in already. I am especially amused by the individual on recent news bulletins who stole hundreds of toilet paper rolls, probably with two objects in mind; one, he was not going to be caught with his pants down with nothing to fall back on, and two, he would make a black market killing. I can see it now – advertised on e-bay or Amazon, packs of eight premium extra long three ply rolls, ten bucks a roll! Either way you choose to look at it, this is one chap determined to make a clean wipe of things. Perhaps this is the new drug of choice in our rapidly changing world, destined to eclipse the like of P and cocaine. I want to know how Afghan poppy farmers and South American drug barons will cope with this earth shaking business transition i.e. how they are going to get on harvesting/producing the stuff and smuggling it across international borders unseen. I suppose there is no way they can conceal rolls stuffed up one’s backside – you may argue this is where loo paper belongs, but the average anus can only accommodate so much, after all. Apart from that, the average walk of the would be smugglers would be a dead give away to even the most casual official observer.

Another point to consider – we’d have to retrain all the sniffer dogs. Poor creatures, their noses are attuned to somewhat more refined chemicals after all, and now they have to go back to everyday ordure. Does this mean in the future at Customs we will all have furry muzzles shoved into our unmentionables or produce samples upon request by Customs officers? Can you imagine customs officers dissecting these (mostly used) loo paper samples in the lab to see which are legal and which are not? Can you imagine the declaration question on the arrival cards e.g. “Any non government approved hygiene products?” And does the black market in hygiene products extend to items in the feminine and incontinence realms as well? Companies such as Stayfree and Tena, be alert!

So how on earth did our ancestors cope? Over thousands of years, before finely scented, soft ply (often decorated) rolls hanging in pristine perfection in sterilised toilet cubicles around the world. humanity has had to make do with items such as banana leaves, bits of old cloth and sacking, and sheets of old newspaper hung by a nail onto the outhouse wall. And there were no infusions of aloe vera, eucalyptus or jojoba in sight. With all this in mind, I am certainly eyeing the flax cuttings from the garden in a new light. Hmmm. Biodegradable, non polluting and certainly green…every eco warrior’s dream!

Looking to ease the doom and gloom of the COVID 19 pandemic? Look no further than this fantastic feline themed romantic comedy that will have your fur tingling!

The Problems of Procrastination

For many creative souls, this is the dreaded ‘P’ word. This is that horrible mental block that afflicts all of us from time to time, paralysing our physical as well as our mental being, with that niggly thought, “I’ll do it later” rampaging through our consciousness. So we turn aside from our tasks and resume idly surfing the internet or gawping at the TV, and before you realise it the day has gone, with nothing concrete to show for it. Again.

As much as many of us of hate the alarm clock, I find that this is an essential device for me to be ‘up and at ’em’ in the morning, so to speak. I find the best thing for me to do is to assign certain hours of the day to certain tasks, and I set appointments for myself to do them, much like you would if you were handling your Outlook calendar in the conventional workplace. After all, you would never miss a scheduled business appointment without a good reason or rescheduling in advance, right? Come to think of it, something like Outlook is not such a bad idea instead of relying on one’s own personal sinew. As they say, ‘the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak’, and as winter closes in down in the Southern Hemisphere, with dark mornings, frost and so forth, it is all too easy to turn over in one’s nice, warm bed and mumble “just a few more minutes…” – and before you know it, you go back to sleep, only to wake up another hour or so later and half the morning is seemingly gone. And since half the morning is gone, it is all too easy to let the rest of the morning go as you kid yourself you won’t have time now to do what you were going to do…and then you reach the afternoon, trying to catch up with anything you may have put off earlier that can no longer wait…and then it is evening, and no, you’ll put off those certain tasks yet again because you have meals to cook, families to tend to, and of course you want to catch up with the evenings news…you get the picture!

Those who are familiar with Charles Dickens will know that he had a true mastery of understanding both the human condition as well as the written word. I can think of no better words to summarise procrastination than those of Mr Micawber, of ‘David Copperfield’ fame; “Procrastination is the thief of time. Collar him!”

If you like A J Dormaar’s style, check out her latest release “The Rival”, following the hilarious pawprints of a spoiled cat fighting his mistress’s no-good boyfriend for mastery, is now available via https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Don’t forget the following books for all fantasy lovers over the age of 10! For all you fans of epic high adventure, you can’t go past these ones!

http://www.amazon.com/UNCLAIMED-THRONE-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IN8ZAEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393368104&sr=1-1&keywords=the+unclaimed+throne+a.j.+dormaar

http://www.amazon.com/UNCROWNED-QUEEN-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IXB6J6C/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394535709&sr=1-2&keywords=A.J.+Dormaar

The Year of the Spider

2018 is officially (the the Chinese at least) the Year of the Dog. Along with this year we associate qualities such as loyalty, affection and so forth, and I suppose if Fido leaves more shed hair around the house than usual this is perfectly acceptable under the circumstances. We always make many allowances for our beloved pets after all.

However, spiders do not feature on my allowance list.

For some reason, they have been about in proliferation this year. Down here in the southern Hemisphere we have had a somewhat hotter summer than usual, accompanied by bouts of rain and high humidity; a sure fire signal for every six or eight legged beastie to emerge en masse, and worse, to converge on human habitations. Along with an invading pack of nimble wolf spiders that leap from wall to wall with unbounded enthusiasm, the somewhat more stately daddy long legs hang from every ceiling corner and orifice, trailing their unsightly grey webs behind them, the wispy shreds of which linger from seemingly every lampshade, nook and cranny. Spiders routinely march across my pillow at night, tickling my nose and jerking me out of a good sleep; in the garden billowing drifts of baby spiders insolently dangle their aerial balloons before my eyes as they float past seeking green pastures, and I can swear that the tiny terrors even wave their forelegs at me as they drift by. Spiders set up camp in my slippers, in the picture frames, in the kitchen cupboards. Despite periodic rampages with my duster and the vacuum cleaner, the wisps of their abandoned or half finished webs linger about still, making it look to an outsider at times that no-one has lived in the house for years, the emptied carcasses of flies and other bugs littering the floor to add to the unwanted decoration. They have grown cunning; they hide in orifices, crooks and crannies unseen by the human eye, and whatever webbing you demolish in the daytime is consequently re-spun oversight with a speed and efficiency that many public road construction crews would do well to learn by.

Is there a Year of the Spider, or ever has been? I am not sure. If I was to assign the Year of the Spider any qualities, it would certainly be, if nothing else, tenacity and a strong sense of self preservation, with an unfailing ability to make anything in their vicinity look dirty and neglected overnight. However, I admit, it would be truly something to be able to let a silken balloon erupt from one’s backside and drift off on the windy currents to fresh pastures. Hmm…that certainly conjures up a real host of mental images!

Want to read a really well spun yarn while your’re about it? If you like A J Dormaar’s style, check out her latest release “The Rival”, following the hilarious pawprints of a spoiled cat fighting his mistress’s no-good boyfriend for mastery, is now available via https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Don’t forget the following books for all fantasy lovers over the age of 10! For all you fans of epic high adventure, you can’t go past these ones!

http://www.amazon.com/UNCLAIMED-THRONE-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IN8ZAEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393368104&sr=1-1&keywords=the+unclaimed+throne+a.j.+dormaar

http://www.amazon.com/UNCROWNED-QUEEN-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IXB6J6C/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394535709&sr=1-2&keywords=A.J.+Dormaar

The Gods Must Be Crazy…well, at least the terrorists…

I am by no means a great bible scholar. There are many learned doctors of theology, priests, pastors, rabbis, imams etc in the world who know religious scriptures inside out, and if world religion has a common thread to it, it is that they never give women credit for very much, if anything, at all. Someday I really want to ask God about that one. Since Creation, and Eve’s fatal error, women have been made the scapegoats (by humanity anyway)for much of the world’s ills and portrayed as evil harlots, bitches, only good enough to scrape the leavings from men’s tables and to speak when spoken to.My argument is – how could Eve be that evil when at the dawn of time, is she was indeed a true innocent and when confronted by the serpent had no real knowledge of what she was doing? After all, the serpent sought Eve out, not the other way around! and let’s face it, it is Men who are responsible for the overwhelming majority of atrocities, wars and debaucheries on this planet.

This hatred against women is something that many modern day radicals continue to espouse, along with other deluded doctrines of hate, bigotry and ignorance. I feel sorry for the younger members of these groups, especially the ones such as ISIS, as they have been brainwashed since early adolescence into being just a cog in a huge, grinding wheel of destruction, cruelty and chaos without ever having a chance to think for themselves. Freedom of choice, God’s gift to us all, is being systematically routed out of far too many in this generation. Terror cells continue to bomb, ravage, shoot and behead their way across the world, ultimately to create the New World Order, but none of them seem to be able to tell the rest of us exactly what that will be or even how it will be governed. This just shows how clueless these mindless radicals really are when it comes to political and social reality. And if life back in their home countries was so idyllic (according to them), why oh why do so many continue to risk life and limb to seek asylum in the oh so decadent West, that terrible, demonic nest of infidels and harlots?

The Bible teaches us the world would descend into such chaos. As it says we indeed “run to and fro” without a clue as to why or how this should be. As I said, I am no great Bible scholar, but judging by the signs of the times, I truly believe now we could be seeing the Second Coming within the next decade or two. As the maniacs of this world continue to escalate their hate against all other existing life and limb, I am reminded of the saying “misery loves company”. These are very sorry, sad and sick individuals indeed.

 

 

Dollars don’t always make Cents (sense?)

 

It seems to me that over the past decade in particular that everyone in the world has become far more money hungry. Think about it. Think of how your cost of living has gone up, at a rate many economists say is the fastest in modern history. Think of how society dreams up more and ever smarter ways to part you from your cash, whether those ways are legitimate or not – and whose to say just because a government says it is legal that it is moral? Look at how many of those spam emails in your inbox are effectively cash grabs, ranging from such claims that they’re the lawyers from your long-lost Aunty’s estate and that you have been left a million dollars, to the ever famous Nigerian and Rumanian scams, offering you a fantastic commission for assisting in online transaction deals on behalf of, for example, the exiled Crown Prince Mbutu or the Grand Duke Vlad etc.Then you have the various business offers you allegedly can’t refuse from supposed legitimate companies, and even those blurbs that promise free offers always come with a “WAIT! There’s MORE!” catch, congratulating you on your choice of their service but saying you could enhance your use of the service, product etc just for a little extra fee…

Yeah, right. And that little fee becomes yet another little extra fee and so on and so on until you find yourself snowed under the expense of all these things you have been convinced into thinking you simply cannot live without…well, humanity has been around thousands of years without the latest gadgets or online deals. I predict we will survive without them all for some years yet.

Another modern day scam that is really teeing me off is the hassle nowadays with parking. With so many of us forced to commute daily to our workplace, public transport is not always a valid option and you join the daily exodus of vehicles snaking into the CBD. Now in addition to having to fork out for road costs, petrol, car registration etc, the powers that be seem to think it fine and dandy to charge exorbitant sums for a daily park that could be just a dusty, stony patch in what is charitably termed a carpark but is in reality a vacant construction site someone is capitalising on. Then you get the Happy Clampers who lurk nearby like vultures for the unwary motorist, the legitimised tyranny of the Parking Wardens, and the simple act of parking one’s car in order to pursue one’s daily toil becomes like the trek of the zebra and wilderbeest, navigating a crocodile infested river in Darkest Africa. Maybe Sir David Attenborough should be alerted to this latest wonder of the natural world…hmmm…

The silly thing is, ultimately none of us can take money with us when we “go”. There are telling images of contorted bodies in the ruins of Pompeii, still desperately clutching their money pouches as if a few minted circles of gold and silver can ward off the fury of the elements. Archaeologists routinely unearth buried caches of coins in excavated ruins, the original owners clearly intending to return but never managing to. Many of those poor wretches who met their grim fate during the Holocaust could have evaded the gas chambers earlier, but refused to leave their worldly goods, even when it became horribly apparent their lives were literally on the line if they tarried in Nazi occupied turf. We dream of money, we commit every conceivable sin on account of money, and this, the most fickle of mistresses, will not hesitate to abandon you when times are tough. After all, she had no shortage of eager lovers for her cold, clinical and calculating embrace.

Sadly, the lessons history has taught us in this regard never seem to work. We may grow more clever as time and technology progress, but we never seem to grow wiser, and this is where the true wealth lies. Perhaps humanity’s final epitaph, carved on stone for the ages to see, will read something like this:

Here lies Mankind, still and cold

Lovers and collectors of heartless gold

He sought its gain by constant toil

But now he lies beneath the soil

 

In this life we are but caretakers of the worlds bounty. Sooner or later, we and our worldly goods do part ways. And that, my friends, is a bona fide fact!

 

Like A J Dormaar’s style? Check out her latest release “The Rival”, following the hilarious pawprints of a spoiled cat fighting his mistress’s no-good boyfriend for mastery, is now available via https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Don’t forget the following books for all fantasy lovers over the age of 10! For all you Hobbit and of
Thrones aficionados, you can’t go past these ones!

http://www.amazon.com/UNCLAIMED-THRONE-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IN8ZAEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393368104&sr=1-1&keywords=the+unclaimed+throne+a.j.+dormaar

http://www.amazon.com/UNCROWNED-QUEEN-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IXB6J6C/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394535709&sr=1-2&keywords=A.J.+Dormaar

 

For the Love of Dogs

I think I like dogs better than people.

You know where you stand with dogs. I mean, even if they do bare their teeth at you, nine times out of ten you know it is because they have a genuine reason and that it is likely to have been your fault. A human is most likely to smile to your face then stab you in the back when least expected, and always in a way to maximise the hurt or to justify their own petty reasons. A dog knows nothing of political correctness, of racism, sexism, and all the other ‘isms’ that plague human existence. A dog sees you for what you are and more often than not is an excellent judge of WHAT you are.  The old song “Stand by your man” should be re-titled “Stand by your dog” as they are certainly far more reliable. Their honesty and integrity is guaranteed.

Dogs also have great fashion sense. They come in all natural colours, white, black, brown and brindle, all very flattering to the wearer, and those with spots always attract admiring attention. A bath may be an ordeal for most at the time but when finally combed and dried and brushed up to perfection, no-one can deny their timeless charm, and they are well aware of this themselves. Adolescence and old age are great if you’re a dog – no visible acne, the grey hairs around the muzzle only lend to the dignity, and a well brushed coat can hide any signs of wrinkles or other imperfections. Being overweight can only lend to the charm as you are considered sweet and cuddly and well-loved. A human in the same position is usually regarded as a lazy slob.

Dogs are also great conversationalists. They are wonderful listeners, their eyes intent on the speaker, their heads cocked to the side with intent concentration and they empathise oh so well. When they voice their opinion it is never with unnecessary vocalisations, any comment always well timed and just enough to convey what is truly meant. An expression on their face is worth a thousand superfluous words and can convey oh so much.

Dogs make me happy. I like to think I can make them happy. When you’re down in the dumps, there is nothing to make the spirit soar like taking a dog to the beach and watching them chase the gulls, their sheer ecstasy making you realise all the simple pleasures in life that humans somehow overlook or take for granted. Eating fish and chips by the beach is not the same without a dog drooling over your shoulder, those big (usually brown) eyes wide with mute appeal. Every fried crumb of potato, every stray fragment of batter is savoured and enjoyed, leaving you feeling as if you have just dined a la carte in a top restaurant – and let’s face it, you probably have enjoyed the beachfront dining far more! After all, the company is so much more convivial and refreshing.

No, on second thought I know I like dogs better than people!

Like A J Dormaar’s style? Check out her latest release “The Rival”, following the hilarious pawprints of a spoiled cat fighting his mistress’s no-good boyfriend for mastery, is now available via https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Don’t forget the following books for all fantasy lovers over the age of 10! For all you Hobbit and of
Thrones aficionados, you can’t go past these ones!

http://www.amazon.com/UNCLAIMED-THRONE-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IN8ZAEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393368104&sr=1-1&keywords=the+unclaimed+throne+a.j.+dormaar

http://www.amazon.com/UNCROWNED-QUEEN-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IXB6J6C/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394535709&sr=1-2&keywords=A.J.+Dormaar

 

 

 

 

The Food Field Follies

“Eat Healthy food” “Eat better, live longer” “Beware the diabetes plague” “Steer clear of sugar”

All these naggings are very familiar to us now, isn’t it?

Nope, you don’t need a nuclear physics degree to know that fruit and vegetables are mainstays of a healthy diet. Health conscious parents, practitioners and social workers constantly harangue us with the modern day facts and figures about the obesity pandemic sweeping the globe, the rates of heart disease and high cholesterol, lifestyle cancers and all manner of other nasty ills upsetting our insides. However, when it comes to doing something hands on to resolve a good part of this, the voices become curiously silent.

Walk into your local supermarket and it is easy to see why. The first aisle I usually confront as soon as I am through the admission gate is piled high on either side with the budget buys of the day – and surprise, surprise, fizzy drinks, bags of potato chips, sugary muesli bars and other highly processed goods are almost always on display at often ridiculously low prices. It is very hard to make a $3 bottle of milk look sexy alongside a litre bottle of Coke retailing for 99 cents or a box of cereal at around $3.75 look more appealing than a jumbo bag of burger flavoured chips for a dollar. I can well imagine the battle parents would have with their little ones in tow, hauling them past the gaudy (but yummy) tooth rotting junk on sale towards the much healthier (but oh so dull) fresh food section. With so many of us on strict budgets nowadays ( the authorities WILL keep lying to us about the state of the economy, but we all know it has not been good for years) unhappily our limited dollars will only stretch so far. I for one flatly refuse to pay nearly $4 for half a small cauliflower (not even fresh) and have to choke back laughs when I see “gourmet” potatoes advertised (yeah, right, the staple food of Peruvian and Irish peasants for hundreds of years, now a luxury item? I don’t think so!) Needless to say, they are still priced according to the gourmet branding. And after I pick my way through the fresh food section, let us not even begin to discourse on the meat section where a very small packet of lean chicken can just about take up the entire meat budget for the week (just as well I make a lot of stir fry type meals nowadays, making a little go a long way) All I can say is, I sympathise with parents trying to properly feed a growing family. Beef, and especially lamb, have become part of those memories of Sunday roast dinners from childhood, never to be enjoyed again judging by the outrageous cost.

Then we come to the dairy section. The other night on TV there was a dire warning about the rise of rickets in the developed world, but when confronted with the cost of milk, butter and cheese, there is no room for wonder why so many desperate families now resort to far less healthy alternatives. I warily assess a small pack of tasty cheese, assessing how many slices to the gram I can get out of it against its ludicrous dollar value. In the bakery, I grimace when comparing a healthy high fibre loaf (all of $4.50) against a highly processed budget white loaf worth just $1.20, and can see why so many people are buying the latter. Someone is certainly making a financial killing out of all of this, and it won’t be the actual food producers.

We have two choices ahead of us – either continue down the path we are on and condemn everyone to eat like pigs and make a death pact at 60 (one sure way to reduce the world population), or save the global health system billions by giving the financial middlemen of the food world a mighty kick where the sun won’t shine. in the meantime I must continue to troll the markets sniffing out new bargains, going forth where so many other shoppers have gone unhappily before.

Intrigued and want to know more of A J Dormaar? Check her out on Facebook viaAuthor A J Dormaar – Fan Page or tweet @AlisonDormaar to find out about her great books and much more!

Latest release “The Rival”, following the hilarious pawprints of a spoiled cat fighting his mistress’s no-good boyfriend for mastery, is now available via https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Don’t forget the following books for all fantasy lovers over the age of 10! For all you Hobbit and of
Thrones aficionados, you can’t go past these ones!

http://www.amazon.com/UNCLAIMED-THRONE-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IN8ZAEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393368104&sr=1-1&keywords=the+unclaimed+throne+a.j.+dormaar

http://www.amazon.com/UNCROWNED-QUEEN-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IXB6J6C/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394535709&sr=1-2&keywords=A.J.+Dormaar

Tinsellitis takes its Toll

Twas the days before Christmas

And all though the mall

were scores of small totties

all having a bawl

Foot weary shoppers thought of soft feather beds

while visions of hot lattes danced through their heads

Someone ought to tell many of us that Christmas is the happy season. Okay, okay, I know that for many good folk out there this is certainly the season of stress and worry, and for some people extra financial burden may well be coupled with domestic strife and for others the past year may mean the mourning of a passed loved one. But let’s face it, for those yet in the single digit years this should be a time of joyous anticipation and wonder, a time of cake and candy and unbridled sugar rushes, of being allowed to stay up late  basking in all the adult attention, of lights and colour and gifts, love and laughter. However, if one trolls the shopping malls at this festive season, the air is more often rent with the howls of weary kiddies, the raised voices of harassed parents and the amplified voice of the mall management secretary bawling out over the mall intercom systems, thus drowning out the piped festive music for all to hear “Lost child at central office, please come and collect!” Or you hear the dreaded words “Car in parking lot B, rego number ZZ2923, your car lights have been left on!” Which, of course, is the perfect cue for everyone else to turn and stare around for the unhappy car owner who rushes back to his or her stricken vehicle whilst trying to hide furious blushes from the bemused public behind a pile of hastily stacked parcels.

Sound familiar?

Then of course, there is Santa’s Grotto. You all recall your own time, that annual sacrifice you made throughout your earlier childhood as your parents grimly dragged you towards that gaudy gilt and tinselled throne to pay your respects to the God of Solstice. Funny, really. they spend all year warning you about Stranger Danger, only to drag you screaming with unholy terror towards a huge bearded git in red and white on his gleaming throne who looks as strange as they come. And what’s more, they gleefully snap photos of your fearful misery as you perch precariously on the stranger’s knee, while he all the while booms HO HO HO! and you wonder if this is a precursor to being eaten.

The queues in the shops never seem to get any smaller either. Adolescent checkout operators man the tills and giftwrap stalls like captains do their sinking ships, bravely grinning and bearing up against the annual Yuletide storm of demanding customers and jostling crowds who all want to be served yesterday. Bags are misplaced, change miscounted and receipts needlessly lost in the hurried frenzy, while visa and EFTPOS facilities receive a workout guaranteed to keep them mean and lean well into the New Year. Which is more than can be said for the human herd who frequent the overflowing food courts, foraging furiously for tables and balancing laden trays over the heads of the teeming masses with the skill of Cirque Du Soleil acrobats. It’s all a bit like feeding time at the zoo.

Yup, this may be the carnage of Christmas. Yet year after year we repeat the frenzied ritual, an electric ripple of eager anticipation coursing throughout the public mains station from the end of October onwards. Let’s face it, hassle or no hassle, Christmas has a certain feel most of us would not be without. That sense of being part of a greater community, of being part of something far better and greater than just oneself alone. I know how the shepherds must have felt all those centuries ago staring up at that wondrous star in the heavens. And I for one would not have it any other way.

Want to know more abut A J Dormaar? Check her out on Facebook via Author A J Dormaar – Fan Page or tweet @AlisonDormaar to find out about her great books and much more!

Latest release “The Rival”, following the hilarious pawprints of a spoiled cat fighting his mistress’s no-good boyfriend for mastery, is now available via https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Don’t forget the following books for all fantasy lovers over the age of 10! With the last of the Hobbit films released in December, you can’t go past these for timely last minute Xmas ideas!

http://www.amazon.com/UNCLAIMED-THRONE-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IN8ZAEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393368104&sr=1-1&keywords=the+unclaimed+throne+a.j.+dormaar

http://www.amazon.com/UNCROWNED-QUEEN-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IXB6J6C/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394535709&sr=1-2&keywords=A.J.+Dormaar

Celeriac Disease and other complaints

Good spelling and general levels of proof reading seem to be in a critical state of health nowadays. For some reason I have become very aware of this especially over the past week or so, spying a number of publications that have certainly given me reason to have a few good yucks, while at the same time decrying the demise of the English language. However, regardless of any concerns, sometimes certain words or phrases do conjure up some interesting mental pictures in one’s mind.

For example, until the other day I had never heard of Celeriac Disease. I happened to espy this one in a medical article in a general interest magazine, and am left pondering the future of this villainous vegetable and how it relates to heart complaints (I suspect the word ‘cardiac” was originally intended). Then again, I saw another headline in a newspaper that certainly conjured up some interesting mental images – MAN ATTACKED BY LEOTARD. Ahhh, I always knew too much exercise was deadly – savaged by spandex, so to speak – I wonder if the offending garment in person was indeed covered with a spotted animal print and if the poor sod at the centre of this Lycra led attack managed to extricate himself intact. I am also wondering how the legal system staged this one in relation to an autopsy – SHARK PROVIDES EVIDENCE IN COURT. I have some impression of a Great White perched precariously on his tail in the witness stand, adjusting a XXXL sized tie around his neck and shuffling through his legal papers with his fins as he prepares his defence.  Or maybe they rolled him in via a large water tank and provided an underwater sound system for him to convey his evidence. Are there any interpreters out there, I wonder, who speak Shark?

Perhaps one of the greatest faux pas I have seen occurred some years ago while I was on a very pleasant road trip through some truly inspiring countryside. Wile taking in the natural sights, one could not miss a particular sign near a bridge WARNING – THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER. Now to the best of my knowledge, most of us do not come equipped with submersible cars, let alone hovercraft for that matter. I am also left wondering as to the mysterious case of the racing stable who advertised in the ‘situations vacant’ column for the following – EXPERIENCED GROOM WANTED FOR HORSE WHO CAN SPEAK GERMAN.  Hmmm, shades of Mister Ed – or should that be Herr Ed? I leave this also to your imagination!

Want to know more abut A J Dormaar? Check her out on Facebook via Author A J Dormaar – Fan Page or tweet @AlisonDormaar to find out about her great books and much more!

Latest release “The Rival”, following the hilarious pawprints of a spoiled cat fighting his mistress’s no-good boyfriend for mastery, is now available via https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Don’t forget the following books for all fantasy lovers over the age of 10! With the last of the Hobbit films released in December, you can’t go past these for timely last minute Xmas ideas!

http://www.amazon.com/UNCLAIMED-THRONE-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IN8ZAEC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1393368104&sr=1-1&keywords=the+unclaimed+throne+a.j.+dormaar

http://www.amazon.com/UNCROWNED-QUEEN-J-Dormaar-ebook/dp/B00IXB6J6C/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1394535709&sr=1-2&keywords=A.J.+Dormaar

OFFICIAL RELEASE 10 OCTOBER – SINK YOUR CLAWS INTO “THE RIVAL”, THE FUNNIEST FELINE FABLE OF THE YEAR!

OK, it is all systems go forth for this latest book, a complete change in genre from the other projects I have on the go. You can lay your eager paws on this via Amazon or by the Createspace link I have provided on this page!

https://www.createspace.com/5016577

Some of the comments I have received back from people who have had a sneak preview are as follows:

“I am still laughing and am in awe” (K C Sprayberry, Editor for Solstice Publishing, USA)

“A real page turner and hard to put down!” (Janice Clark, author)

And there are many other comments all of a similar vein!

By all means pass this information on to anyone you think may like a genuinely funny read; now we are starting to think of the festive season, at around 197 pages in the Kindle format, this is an elegant gift idea that won’t break the bank balance or the strain the stocking stitches! For all women, cat lovers, aficionados of romantic comedy, and those who just want a fun easy read, you simply have to get this one! I have been approached regarding working on a screenplay for “The Rival” as many think it is perfect film material, so keep posted on this blog as things unfold!

incidentally, there are two other great books out there online for purchase for all those with a fantasy fetish along the lines of “Game of Thrones”, “The Hobbit” and “The Chronicles of Narnia” that you will simply love if you like a feisty heroine with a definite difference, epic battles, a hint of comedy and general high adventure. With Christmas coming, you may well want to whet the holiday reading bug in all those in your household 10 years and older!